Where Are My Balls?

Where are they? The figurative ones, not literal, that would be nasty. I used to be on top of the world, now I feel like I am the world's doormat.

First off, my marriage is failing, in all actuality, it failed a long time ago. We have argued our entire 6-year relationship - over the smallest things and over severe differences in how we view the world. When you love someone you always think that you can accomplish anything and that you can overcome any obstacles. This isn't always true. You have to have a baseline of acceptable behavior and ideals. I use to think that if I loved him enough then he would see the world as a happy place instead of through the negative glasses he always had on. Negativity has worn me down.

Have you ever taken a moment to really think what living with a negative person will do to you? I admit I want to smack overly happy people as much as the next person, but when 90% of what you say is negative, it has a huge impact on those around you. I have never been one of those half full people but I am very optimistic and extremely empathetic. I believe that people are inherently good and that falling in love is for people and not just for movies.

I married someone who feels that people are not nice to others because they are inherently nice, but because they want something from them. I can't grasp having so little faith in people. I use to volunteer a few times a month for different organizations - I honestly can't remember the last time I went and volunteered somewhere until yesterday. Helping people use to be a very high ideal for me.

I wanted a divorce 2 months ago and actually left, unforeseen circumstances made me come back and stay. He did change for awhile and became the husband I always wanted. He was attentive, affectionate, tried to fight his negativity, and generally tried to save our marriage. It is hard though when I felt it was a little too late. Harsh words had been said and cut through my soul like a knife. Although he was attentive and affectionate, it still wasn't in the way I needed him to be. I still felt that my needs were not being met.

So here I am sad, alone, lonely, trying to come to terms with my life. My failed life. I need to file for divorce for both of our sakes. I have waffled so much that I know it has taken it's toll on his self-esteem and confidence, because I know it has on mine. We have a good time together, but more like best friends or roommates. I want to feel passion, I want to feel alive again. I feel like I am watching a movie of my life - that I am no longer an active participant. I am so lost, so very confused, and very scared to take the next leap.

Walking away means leaving a man I have been with for 6 years, a dog I love more than anything in the world, my house - the only place I ever felt that was truly my home. The closing of my business last year was such a severe loss for me, one that I still feel daily, that I am petrified of another big loss. I feel like in the last year I have lost my dignity, my identity, my self-confidence, and my self-worth. Now I will lose my marriage, my dog, and my home. Friends and family you ask? Family left a long time ago because they didn't always support me and they definitely did not support my marriage. My friends are there for me, but honestly, I don't know for how much longer. Who wants to be friends with someone who can't get their shit together, who continually makes poor decisions? Seriously need to hand my decision making card over to someone else for awhile.