Who Am I?

When I was 18 I was on top of the world - smart, beautiful, gifted - the whole world was at my feet. I am now 35 and I feel that I am an utter disappointment. I burned the fire at both ends until I turned 25. I had owned my first business, graduated college (although I would do so many things differently if I could redo college), had gone through officer training school, and had so many choices as to my life path.

I chose the wrong path. Severe detour. I had the choice of a being a JSTARS officer in the USAF, continuing my education with a Masters in Counseling, or continuing to operate my small business that I had started when I was a junior in college at the ripe young age of 20. I failed my physical fitness test on purpose so I wouldn't have to go into the USAF because I wasn't given my dream job of OSI which is like the FBI. I remember having a long talk with my commanding officer and realizing that I am much more of a leader and not a follower and would have difficulty following orders for very long. How right that man was. I know deep done that a career in the Air Force would have been wrong for me, but I often wonder where my life would be if I had followed through with this option.

I had been in school for eons and the thought of Graduate School was like a brick on my chest, so I thought, like most young people do, that I would come back to that. I never did. I really regret this decision. Although I never should have studied psychology, because quite honestly my skill set is more inclined with either flowers & plants or business. But oh how I wanted it to be a marriage counselor back then - with what's going on in my life right now, this is honestly, the most ironic joke of the century. I wanted more than anything to be in the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. I still do.

Instead I became an entrepreneur. I admit, I love starting new businesses, but I just feel like I have wasted my life trying and searching for that next big thing, that big dream. That first business lasted 5 years - I traveled all across the U.S. and met lots and lots of people, but I was always alone. Most men were extremely intimidated by me. I made more money than them, I was very smart, and back then, quite beautiful.

What changed? Why do I feel so horribly awful about my life. I have become a walking cliche. Seriously. The Poster Child for What Not To Do With Your Life. No I am not a drug addict, I don't look for sex around every corner, and I am not a raging gambler...although I could be.

I have positively lost my direction in life, my passion, my reason for being. I was always defined by what I did, that was who I was. Now I have no gainful employment, am in a failed marriage, am overweight, and have mood swings that change by the minute. I am so living the dream.